Surprise Pregnancy

Whenever I heard the term, surprise pregnancy, I always thought of single moms. Or teen moms. I never once thought that it was a “thing” in the lives of a happily married couple. Even if it was a surprise to married couple, they would love it, right? They would be so very happy and just add that one more baby to their happy little brood of little people. Imagine my shock in learning that you (I) could have a surprise pregnancy!

The hubs and I were content with our family size, we were complete. In the realm of family sizes, four kiddos is seen as a lot. We were happy. Content. As the children got older, and the hubs and I found ourselves with some free time to enjoy one another. Go on dates without having a curfew, or having to find a sitter. I was back to work full time. I enjoyed the freedom and fulfilment that it gave me. Things were as smooth as they could be in a family of six.

To say when we discovered that we were pregnant, that it shook me, would be an understatement. It rocked my world. Just when I thought that I may survive this late surprise pregnancy, we found out it was twins. So not just one, but two babies. One would have been manageable, but two would be impossible. Nothing would stay the same. I couldn’t stay at my job. We couldn’t keep using the same cars. Nothing would be the same.

Why would I tell you this? I tell you because I felt very very alone with my feelings. I was pregnant with two, as far as the doctors could tell, very healthy babies. There were no major pregnancy complaints. This is what so many women wished for. Women who had lost pregnancies, women who couldn’t get pregnant. Here I was with this surprise pregnancy that I didn’t ask for and didn’t want.

*Let me pause here to say something. Not wanting a pregnancy and all the changes that the babies would bring, is different than not wanting those babies. Once they existed, I didn’t want anything to happen to them.* However, the changes that their birth would bring into our life… yeah, those changes were not welcome. I tried to be sensitive to the fact that some women wanted exactly what I had and didn’t want. I struggled though. Every time someone commented, “what a blessing!” I just wanted to scream. I didn’t see the blessing, I didn’t feel it. Sometimes, I still don’t. I stopped working at the start of a recession. Used car prices sky rocketed, so did the cost of food. We added two mouths to feed, and innumerable costs… and all people could say was: “Oh you’re so blessed.” No. No ma’am. My life is a wreck. I’m a wreck. I didn’t ask for this. It’s hard. I’m tired. It’s expensive. I miss being productive (don’t come at me with “raising babies is productive.”) I may have messaged my friend at one point and said “The next person to tell how blessed I am is going to get throat punched.” Listen, I know kids are a blessing. I get it. Life. It’s a blessing.

All I’m saying is, maybe, if we don’t know the situation, maybe lead with, “How has this been for you mama?” or “How do you feel with these two new babies?” Instead of telling mama how damn lucky she should feel. Yeah? Maybe that.